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Zach Randolph Is NOT A Sexual Assailant

Whew. I'm glad we got that one sorta cleared up. According to the Portland Police Bureau, Randolph was named in a sexual assault report taken last week, but is not a suspect. The bureau would not go into further detail, or provide journalists with a copy of the report. So let's get this straight: he's an extortionist of sorts, a sucker-punching bad teammate, an underage drinker, a ball-hog, has been caught driving under the influence of marijuana, and drag-racing with guns in his car. But sexual assault? C'mon, let's get our facts straight before we question the young man's character.

My question is, if he's not a suspect, what's his name doing in the report? It's like...if you've got a test in school with multiple choice questions, and the teacher gives you a hint by saying the answer isn't "A" or "C," and that "B" is a little questionable itself. How many people are involved in a sexual assault report? The assailant(s), the victim, and maybe a witness? Personally, I'm hoping Randolph was the victim, because it'd make for some hilarious Court TV.

Where did he touch you, Mr. Randolph?



They don't call them the JailBlazers for nothin.

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