The Out Route

One of the most recent and well-known examples of a man's wife getting in the way of his career is Orioles pitcher Kris Benson and his Penthouse model wife Anna. If it weren't for Anna, Kris wouldn't even be an Oriole. He would be on the Mets.

The Mets were really excited to get Kris Benson before the trading deadline in 2004. However, they didn't anticipate Anna. Before the next season had even started, Anna was making headlines. She told Howard Stern that if her husband cheated on her at all, she would sleep with every player on the Mets. I assume that following season, David Wright and Jose Reyes took Kris out to the bars and kept saying "Hey, Kris, she's cute, you should talk to her," or "She's checking you out, Kris. Get her number. Anna will never know." Then, if they suceeded, they'd tell Anna and proceed to run a train on her. Anna continued to cause a stir by showing up to a Mets charity Christmas party wearing a slutty, low-cut Santa outfit. The Mets brass didn't like it, but I'm sure the kids did.

(Sorry, I couldn't find a picture of Anna in a threesome with Wright and Reyes)

After her comment that Mets GM Omar Minaya was trying to form an "all-Latin" team, Kris was soon shipped to the Orioles -- probably because Minaya knew she was getting too close to the truth. And after all of this, she filed for divorce, but soon changed her mind. She probably felt too guilty for ruining his big chance and then leaving him.

Kurt Warner is a Super Bowl MVP and a two-time regular season MVP. He was the man in St Louis. Unfortunately, because of his out-spoken wife, Brenda, by the end of his career in St. Louis fans wondered if he was even the man in his household. Somehow, Brenda kept getting on the radio. In 2003, she called out coach Mike Martz and the Rams for not giving her husband the proper medical care when he broke his hand the year before. Warner had to downplay his wife's statement.

(At least Anna's a hottie)

The same year, Brenda went back on the radio saying that Kurt would seek a trade if he didn't start in St. Louis over Marc Bulger. Soon after, Kurt came out to reiterate what his wife already made clear to the world. Kurt was released at the end of that season, something that was going to happen whether or not Brenda opened her big mouth. However, Rams fans were left with a less-than-appealing image of their one-time hero. Everyone questioned who wore the pants in the family. Brenda's an ex-Marine (With a haircut to match - Tom), so I think it's her.

Doug Christie isn't just an NBA swingman or a good defender who was named to the second team All-Defense team in 2004. He's a bitch too. Stories about him were most popular the season the Kings ended up going seven games against the Lakers in the Western Conference finals. The reports were that, out of respect to his wife, he would not talk to any other women. Talk about a controlling relationship. It was also rumored that he would communicate during games with his wife in the stands through hand signals.

His refusal to talk to other women even lead to the eventual dismissal of a female spokesperson because she alledgedly left a message on his machine.

Christie's career would soon go downhill because of lingering injuries that would force him to retire. But don't worry, Christie fans, he and his wife will be on a reality show on VH1 called The Christies. The show will document live pussy-whipping. Until then, check out "their" website, www.jackiechristie.com. He's such a bitch.

I will easily admit that there are players in every sport who's wives give them strength and all that shit, but being somewhat bitter, I'll choose to ignore that. In these cases, these athletes had to deal with negative press and sometimes problems with their own team. Without Anna, Kris would probably still be a Met. He had a good first half last year even though his numbers dropped after the All Star break. Nonetheless, he'd probably be starting for the NL-leading Mets as their third starter instead of the fourth place O's. Kurt Warner would have been traded anyway, but his wife didn't help him with the court of public opinion. Doug Christie's injuries were unavoidable, but he'll always be remembered as one whipped dude.

Now, I don't want any of you out there worrying about me. I'll deal with my situation like I deal with most things, by turning to sports. I just hope there aren't going to be any players' wives out there to ruin it for me.