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The Best Case Barry Bonds Scenario

The zero hour is approaching: Barry Bonds has tied Hank Aaron.

The outrage over the tying home run was far less than I had hoped for -- after all of the public outrage over steroids and Bonds in particular, I guess I expected something major to happen (something along the lines of a well-thrown meat cleaver from the stands, a death threat, just give me something). Instead, people cheered. And it was a road game. San Diego is filled with pussies, apparently.

In retrospect, I think the response was so passive because everybody's convinced Barry's going to break it soon, and are saving their vitriol as such. At least, that's what I hope.

But maybe there's just a general apathy towards the record (as interpreted by the brilliantly glum reaction of Selig towards Bonds' 755th home run and the ensuing press release, which had all the enthusiasm of a suicide note). We've been hearing about the record falling, the scandal surrounding it, and potential implications for what, 5 years now? With the actual moment of reckoning nigh, it just seems as if we've been fed enough sensationalism that we're prepared to the point of being numb -- in case of nuclear attack, hide under the desk and tuck myself into a ball.

Still, we need to be indignant about this. And not because Bonds has more chemicals in his blood than Keith Richards, but because he's just an all-around dislikable person. He's arrogant, he's rude, and it's obvious he's only playing to break the record; he's coasting on the Roger Clemens deal that allows him to pick and choose when, where, and how he plays (like taking Sunday off so he'd be likely to break the record at home, like walking out anything that isn't immediately recognizable as over the fence). It doesn't seem right not because of the steroids, but because I think it's safe to say we've all had enough of Barry Bonds for, say, the remainder of our existence on this planet. If we could be societally Eternal Sunshined after he breaks the record, never to remember anything Barry Bonds related ever again, he could have 756.

Unfortunately, we're out of luck there. For better or worse, Barry is in the public consciousness for good. So instead of finding a winning scenario, we just need to find the best-case. And I've found it.

Someone needs to pick Barry Bonds off at the plate.

I'm not talking about a right fielder with a cannon of an arm, either. I'm talking about a sniper in nosebleeds giving Barry one between the eyes. This needs to happen. Tonight. Before any more damage is done.

For Bud Selig, and for us, we get a reprieve. We don't have to live with the sad reality that Barry Bonds is the sole home run record holder. Unlike a case of unfortunate childhood molestation, it'd be easier to forget this whole mess ever happened if there are two people involved. Nobody ever really gives a shit about records held by multiple people, anyway. And we get the bonus of a juicy story, undoubtedly the biggest of all sports (especially if it happens as Bonds is at-bat).

For Bonds, not having the record to himself is a sacrifice (though he'd still be sitting at the top with Hank), but he'd be rewarded. The pubilc opinion on him would shift dramatically if he were to die in such a controversial and undignified way. In 10 years, no one would remember the steroid scandal. They'd remember Barry as the legend, nay, the martyr who gave up his life in the pursuit of greatness.

He might even be met by 70 virgins, feeding him grapes with one hand and smearing The Cream on his ass with the other. He'd be the biggest motherfucker in heaven.