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News Flash! Randy Moss is Unhappy!

(L to R: Andrew Walter, Randy Moss, Art Shell, Jerry Porter, Tom Walsh, Lamont Jordan, Aaron Brooks. Ronald Curry and Alvis Whitted up front)

This might come as a surprise, but the Raiders aren't exactly what you would call a big, happy family. They're more like the Tenenbaums. While Jerry Porter might be Chas, angry and rebellious towards his father (Art Shell, obviously), and Andrew Walter might be Richie, just wants to do right by everyone, even at the expensive of his own well-being, Randy Moss is clearly Margot.

Once a promising playwright who's passion for the theater, and life in general, was tainted by her father, Margot wore the same blank expression that Moss can be seen sporting on the Raiders' sideline. Margot and Richie are also secretly in love with each other, which TOTALLY makes sense for the purposes of this comparison, even though Margot is initially sneaking around with Eli Cash, who'd probably be played by Robert Gallery (the reviews aren't good, but the sales are).

You see, Randy Moss isn't happy. Big shock, right? Margot and Moss were both talented, but betrayed that very talent by becoming jaded and miserable. They also rebel against the system by smoking (for Margot, it was her menagerie of hidden cigarettes, for Moss, his "once in a blue moon" toking habits). Jesus, I am so fricking smart. This literary ploy just proves it.

Seriously, though, who could be happy on the Raiders? They aren't as bad, competitively, as they appeared earlier in the season. But they still hate each other, or the coach, or the Cryptkeeper sitting upstairs. Or maybe Tom Walsh refused to let them crash at the B&B for free. I don't know. But this is probably Randy's last year in Oakland. He (and Daunte Culpepper, for that matter) must regret leaving the Vikings. They had a perfect arrangement: Moss runs straight, Culpepper throws ball as far as he can, Moss catches ball. None of these silly "routes" or "mechanics" or "discipline." Just straight pitch-and-catch, with a post-game blunt for good measure. Now, things have changed.

Oh, and just to finish the job (even though comparing athletes or teams to the casts of television shows and movies is sooooo early-2006): Walsh is Etheline (just because they both have snatches, basically), Lamont Jordan is Henry Sherman (both stuck in a shitty situation despite being good guys), Ronald Curry and Alvis Whitted are Ari and Uzi (torn between their father, Porter, and grandfather, Shell), and Aaron Brooks is Pagoda (that is to say, completely fucking useless).



the answer, unfortunately, for all of us michael vick haters, i think is atlanta. it'll revive both of them. just when we thought we could put michael vick to rest.

Do not say that, Bob. That'd be the worst thing to happen. Ever.

I really think he should go to New England. Belichick has a way of getting difficult players to buy into his system (Corey Dillon, Rodney Harrison) and having Moss at #1 with Gabriel as your possession guy and Reche Caldwell in the slot would be a formidable corp.

Or, he can come to the Saints and open the field for Marques Colston, who is sure to be seeing some double teams in the near future. Really, either one is fine by me.

new england would be best for me fantasy football wise, obviously. but i hate the patriots even more than i hate michael vick. obviously i'd take him on the lions, with him and roy williams shit would get nasty - but that doesn't seem realistic, likewise w/ the saints, though i suppose that'd be nice too. new england and atlanta seem to be the best fits though. which sucks, because i hate them and really like moss. maybe we'll luck out and he'll end up on the chargers?

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